Changing others can be a problem

For those of us involved with people who have mental disorders like substance use disorder and depression, a recent Invisibilia podcast has a lot to say about how we interact with these folks and how that interaction can support or damage our friends and loved ones. You can read the transcript as you listen along to their hour-long, July 1, 2016, presentation, “The Problem with the Solution.”

While it is billed as being about the problem humans have of chronically, repeatedly trying to find solutions, the essence of what I got out of listening to the podcast was the importance of me stepping out of the way when it comes to fixing my loved ones. There is remarkable power in relative strangers accepting our loved ones with mental challenges just as they are without trying to “treat” or “heal” them. This is demonstrated by interviews with people in Geel, Belgium, a town that has a long history of managing the insane by placing them under the care of town folk as boarders, rather than institutionalize them. When one of the boarders has hallucinations of lions, rather than treat the hallucinations or try to rationalize with insanity, their landlord simply shoos the lions away.

A friend of mine used to work as a psych tech at a mental institution. There was a woman there who wanted communion every day, afraid she would go to hell without it. The priest only came on Sunday and the other 6 days a week this woman was inconsolable. The official institution policy was to not encourage delusions, but my friend said that instead of rationalizing he secretly slipped her a wafer, some juice, and a blessing against standard operating procedure.

The podcast follows Ellen Baxter, a psych major who fakes her way into a mental institution and later visits Geel as part of her research. Fascinating stuff, really. You can find more about Geel in an NPR health news article.  Unable to precisely replicate the Geel approach, Baxter founded Broadway Housing Communities, a nonprofit in New York City that supports a community approach to managing the insane.

Another essential point I gleaned is that much of what goes unsaid negatively impacts our loved ones. When I tell an addicted relative that I just want what’s best for them, I’m not aware that I’m also telling them that, just as they are, they are not good enough. That message gets sent via body language, facial expressions, and other relatively hidden means. As I’ve thought about my interactions with loved ones who need help, according to my judgment, I think that even when I say something as simple as, “I love you,” my message may be tainted with bad vibes. Especially if I tell them I want to see them more often, help them improve, or make other efforts to lure them in. There is a not-so-hidden agenda that repels, rather than lures.

I get that intellectually. I am recovering from substance use disorder, myself; have been in long-term recovery for many years. I don’t respond well to manipulation. I can see it coming a mile away. But when the shoe is on the other foot and I’m trying to help/manipulate a loved one, well; somehow all those sneaky control methods seem fully justified; you know, the old ends-justify-the-means argument comes into play and I buy it, fall for it, hook/line/sinker.

Sometimes we are just too close to our loved ones to help them. Sometimes we need the kindness of relative strangers to help them by simply accepting them as they are. A recovery support network, sponsors and others, can support our loved ones. They need such a network and we do, too.

I hope you can invest the time needed to listen to the podcast. I’ve listened to it twice.