Would you rather be right or loving?

Have you heard the expression, "Would you rather be right or happy?" Recently a slightly different question was posed to me that is much more meaningful. I was asked, "Would you rather be right or loving?" This is a much more powerful question especially relating to my relationship with loved ones who, according to my evaluation and my judgment, have an impairment of one sort or another. At one time I thought it was important, when dealing with a loved one who was on diversion after being charged with a drug offense, to turn them in after they had a relapse. This plan of attack was met with resistance, thank goodness. I did not end up turning them in, but the incident led me to start going to Al-Anon. It's taken me a long time to see that I was wrong. The reality is that I was unhappy, with myself, my lack of accomplishments, and my inability to financially support my family to my satisfaction. My personal insecurity, led me to be over controlling of my loved ones. I was so over controlling that I lost my ability to act in a loving way. It's taken me a long time to see this, a little over 17 years, but now I am in a position where I can finally apologize for my mistake and amend that behavior to the best of my ability. Twelve-step work makes that possible. I'm so grateful for 12 step programs and the outside help that's been necessary for me to grow so I can continue to be of more and more service to my family and friends.

Gabor Maté thinks AA is a bit too spiritually fundamentalist.

I'm reading In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters With Addiction by Gabor Maté, a well-referenced treatise on many types of addiction, which keeps the reader interested with personal stories and vignettes. His approach is compassionate. It is fascinating, if a bit wordy, although he’s got a lot to say, so trudging through the pages has a definite payoff. He focuses on trauma as the reason that people turn to addictive behaviors to relieve pain.        

      

Dr. Gabor Maté's image from his website

   

I found an interesting recent interview of him that brought up his impression of 12-step programs. I hope you’ll take 11 minutes out of your day and listen to it. I’ve been thoughtfully chewing on his responses. Personally, I believe the study of the 12 steps can help anyone who has an intractable behavior problem that they want to change. Really, I’m all about the 12 steps, my friend.      

Screenshot from Youtube link to interview

Maté said that practice of 12-step programs can be helpful, but described the following problems: 1) 12-step programs completely ignore trauma, even though Bill Wilson was traumatized as a child, 2) people are often forced into 12-step participation, even though coercion is counterproductive, and 3) 12-step language of God is a fundamentalist relic of a punishing God that people may not want to embrace.    

      

Alcoholics Anonymous 

non-copyrighted logo 

While I fully agree with his first two 12-step program criticisms, the third response made me wonder what kind of 12-step groups he has been exposed to. I understand his concern in that area. The AA third step is, “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.” Even though the “as we understood Him” addendum was inserted, italicized in the Big Book and on placards that hang in AA halls to stress its importance, and cited as an example of the spiritual, not religious, nature of AA, Maté’s impression of AA’s God is not unique. 

So those are my thoughts on Maté’s interview. What did you think?

Why don’t we always do what we know is good for us to do?

I have trouble sleeping and know that if I practice yoga just before bedtime I’ll get to sleep quicker, sleep deeper, and sleep longer. Easy, right? Not so much. I’m not sure why, but adding yoga to my pre-sleeping routine has not been easy.

When I was a kid my folks took me to parties and rather than put me down for bedtime would let me just run out of energy and fall asleep, wherever. I often slept under the coffee table, right in the midst of all the action. They prided themselves in letting me raise myself. Although that resulted in many advantages, such as self-sufficiency, I still tend to want to stay up until I fall over because I don’t want to miss any action. 

For the last 6 weeks I’ve been monitoring my behavior-change success, or lack thereof, using a phone app, Way of Life. I use the free version, which can be used to track 3 behaviors. I’m tracking Exercise, Meditation, and Yoga. My exercise routine has improved dramatically since I started walking with a friend every morning. Often we meditate after finishing our walk, but not always. My friend is not a yogi though, far from it. He’s pretty down to earth. When I looked at my results in the app it became apparent that I was doing great on exercise, pretty good on meditation, and simply lousy on yoga. I think this shows the power of having an accountability partner.

Regarding yoga, last night I did great. I had about a 30-minute yoga session followed by 7 ½ hours of sleep, the most I’ve gotten for a long time. This morning I ask my friend to consider yoga with me every night at 10 PM. He was having none of that.

I am convinced, intellectually, that I need yoga at night for my wellbeing. My unconscious, reptilian-brain, little-kid “elephant” does not know that though. He wants to keep going until he drops. My conscious, frontal lobe, adult “elephant rider” needs to train the elephant. I am open for elephant-training suggestions.

Following the 12-step pattern, I realize staying awake ‘til I drop is an unmanageable habit I am powerless over, an insane pattern to continue, and yet I believe there is hope and turn to another power for help – you (Steps 1-3). I often hear the One speak through others. In fact, I have come to rely upon it. For me yoga is part of the meditation practice mentioned in the 11^th step. So, got any thoughts on how to increase my success at incorporation of yoga into my nighttime routine? I’m all ears; elephant ears in fact.